I am going to be honest. I always feel incompetent, not good enough. I overthink everything, all the time. It is exhausting. I am a people pleaser. I want everyone to be happy, because I don't like conflict, it makes me feel very, very, uncomfortable. I just want everyone to get along, is that so much to ask. Why do some people have to be so difficult. Why is it so hard for some people to be nice. Why is it so hard for some people to speak up and set boundaries. I have been going to counseling for this, it is going to be a long journey. It isn't easy admitting that you are seeing a counselor. Why? It should be. I am trying to improve my life, and need a little professional guidance, that should be celebrated.
See the bottom circle on the above image. That is what I need to work on. I am most definitely not assertive, especially when I most need to be. That is with difficult people. I avoid conflict, why on earth would I subject myself on purpose to more. Well. I need to, I need to for my sanity.
I also have taken the Meyers-Briggs personality test multiple times and come up as an INFP. The most important thing here is the fact that I am an Introvert. That is not bad. My husband ended up as an ESFJ. He is an extrovert. Which means I need time alone (lots of downtime) to recharge my batteries, he needs time with people to recharge his. I need to get him to understand my need for true downtime, which means doing absolutely nothing. When we are on vacation, I am totally happy just sitting in my beach chair all day long. I need to do nothing, I need quiet and unscheduled time. If my vacation is overscheduled, I am going to need a vacation from my vacation. It is NOT going to be relaxing, at all. The last time we went on vacation, don't get me wrong it was fun, but we were running all the time. It was not at all relaxing. Was it fun? Yes. Was it relaxing? No. As an introvert, did I feel I needed a week of downtime, afterwards? Yes. My husband, being the opposite, which I do understand, totally thought I was being a party pooper, because I didn't necessarily want to be running constantly. For me, that is stressful. As a people pleaser, I went along with everything and did it all anyway, even if I didn't want to. I need to work on this. My fault, not anyone elses. Some people, like extroverts, recharge themselves by being around people. My husband is one of them, he loves scheduled vacations, I don't. We need to find balance. Counseling is helping. It is helping me realize I am good enough, I don't have to please everyone all the time. But....it is happening in baby steps.
I also have taken the Meyers-Briggs personality test multiple times and come up as an INFP. The most important thing here is the fact that I am an Introvert. That is not bad. My husband ended up as an ESFJ. He is an extrovert. Which means I need time alone (lots of downtime) to recharge my batteries, he needs time with people to recharge his. I need to get him to understand my need for true downtime, which means doing absolutely nothing. When we are on vacation, I am totally happy just sitting in my beach chair all day long. I need to do nothing, I need quiet and unscheduled time. If my vacation is overscheduled, I am going to need a vacation from my vacation. It is NOT going to be relaxing, at all. The last time we went on vacation, don't get me wrong it was fun, but we were running all the time. It was not at all relaxing. Was it fun? Yes. Was it relaxing? No. As an introvert, did I feel I needed a week of downtime, afterwards? Yes. My husband, being the opposite, which I do understand, totally thought I was being a party pooper, because I didn't necessarily want to be running constantly. For me, that is stressful. As a people pleaser, I went along with everything and did it all anyway, even if I didn't want to. I need to work on this. My fault, not anyone elses. Some people, like extroverts, recharge themselves by being around people. My husband is one of them, he loves scheduled vacations, I don't. We need to find balance. Counseling is helping. It is helping me realize I am good enough, I don't have to please everyone all the time. But....it is happening in baby steps.
Speaking of "not good enough", I have come to realize, I am not good enough without God's grace. It's true, I can't do anything on my own. I need him. I have come to realize I am good enough, because he died on the cross for me. For you. We don't have to do anything, we don't have to earn anything, he already sacrificed everything for us. We just have to believe. We have to trust. Trust has taken me awhile. We also have to pray. Prayer can help solve a lot of issues, I am confident of this. I am playing with the idea of turning my half of our walk-in-closet into a war room, until then, I have started a prayer journal and I try to use it daily. I will write another post on that later. This post was to reiterate the fact that none of us are good enough on our own, but we can be with the help of God. We just need to ask, and believe. In my case, that knowledge has been found on the long road traveled. It has taken something that has shaken my little corner of the world, and totally turned upside down my values belief system. I could not find the strength to get through this without him, I had to admit I couldn't do it on my own. We are only good enough, because he died on the cross to forgive our sins. I also encourage you to read the following article on what Jesus medically went through that day.